As too often happens, it's been way too long since I've last written. Excuses, excuses. Been getting some ideas of what to write about. Like the fact that Jack is 8 months old now, healthy, strong, and getting ready to crawl. He actually pulled himself up briefly today. Or that despite the fires in Colorado, all my family out there is safe so far. Or a working A/C. :) But I've been thinking about writing my testimony and I think that's what I"ll do considering that I"m thankful for God above all else.

The summer after 7th grade, I was going through what most girls that age do. I was rebelling (kinda pathetically), seriously depressed (somewhat hereditary and something I still deal with...thankfully very rarely now), and in general just spent way too much time listening to The Great Deceiver. I was listeing too much and believing that I was unwanted, unloved, unlovable, ugly, stupid, worthless and everyone would be better off without me because they wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. This was compounded by the fact that I was an adolescent and didn't really know myself (or God) very well. I was raised in the church but by age 12  I saw church people to be hypocrites who were usually worse than the non-Christians.

I was at the point of wanting to end my life. There were a few times I made vague attempts that never came to anything (I see now this was God's grace in saving me from myself). I had been to camp (Frontier Ranch in Misiion Springs. It's a Covenant camp) for the past few years and was signed up to go again. The only other person I knew going that week was my friend Jason but since he was a dude we would not see each other often. I had decided after camp (which I had previously enjoyed but now did not want to go yet my parents were making me) I would finally finish what I had started and kill myself.

Arriving at camp, I knew no one and got put in a cabin with a bunch of snobish incoming freshman who were way too good for me. I was made fun of and ostricised right off the bat. I was miserable and would silently cry myself to sleep. My counselor's name was Birdie. A few days in she told us her testimony- she was in a bad relationship in high school where she refused to sleep with the guy so he told everyone she was a whore and before long she was. Spent her high school career sleeping with anyone and everyone only to be found by God and totally change her life around. At the time she was dating another counselor named Redwood (a tall, stocky redhead. I was instantly endeared to him.). His brother Duke was a counselor too. We weren't really supposed to know she was dating another counselor but I'm glad she told us. Kinda a good sign for her life.

That impacted me a lot at the time. If anyone knew hardship, it was Birdie. A few days later, she sat me down one on one. I don't remember everything she said, but she told me that I was beautiful and worthwhile. One thing she said has stuck- she told me as I walked down the hill into camp, she saw me and thought "oh look at that beautiful girl! I hope she's in my cabin!" and she was so glad when I was. I was shocked. Here's this beautiful woman with a sordid past thinking that I was worth getting to know. That night was the night where the story and life of Jesus is shared and there is an altar call to know Him or rededicate your life. I have no idea who the speaker was. I have no idea what he said. All I know is that is when God found me and took me and never let me go.

 We had the option to go talk to someone or go to our cabins or go sit somewhere and think. I went out onto the big field they had and I just sat down. I can remember the exact spot. I just cried and cried. First, it was sadness and my utter unworthiness to be loved by the God who created all things. Then the Holy Spirit flooded my with a peace that really did surpass all understanding and I knew the Lord. Then, in a moment, I was ok. I was no longer hurting. I went back to my cabin that night and slept. No tears. I prayed for the girls in my cabin. From that moment on, my life was radically different. I spent the next 6 years battling depression off and on. It's a struggle that is all but conquered now. Praise the Lord for that!

I am a case where I know that the Lord found me. I did not seek Him out. I did not even choose Him. He chose me. I can see now HIs hand in my life over the years. How He has led me and guided me even when I didn't want to be guided. So here I sit, my three wonderful,  beautiful boys asleep in their beds. My loving husband working and yearning to be home with me just as much as I yearn for him. A house, food, clothing. Thank you, Lord, for finding me and choosing me and loving me. It's more than I deserve.