As too often happens, it's been way too long since I've last written. Excuses, excuses. Been getting some ideas of what to write about. Like the fact that Jack is 8 months old now, healthy, strong, and getting ready to crawl. He actually pulled himself up briefly today. Or that despite the fires in Colorado, all my family out there is safe so far. Or a working A/C. :) But I've been thinking about writing my testimony and I think that's what I"ll do considering that I"m thankful for God above all else.

The summer after 7th grade, I was going through what most girls that age do. I was rebelling (kinda pathetically), seriously depressed (somewhat hereditary and something I still deal with...thankfully very rarely now), and in general just spent way too much time listening to The Great Deceiver. I was listeing too much and believing that I was unwanted, unloved, unlovable, ugly, stupid, worthless and everyone would be better off without me because they wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. This was compounded by the fact that I was an adolescent and didn't really know myself (or God) very well. I was raised in the church but by age 12  I saw church people to be hypocrites who were usually worse than the non-Christians.

I was at the point of wanting to end my life. There were a few times I made vague attempts that never came to anything (I see now this was God's grace in saving me from myself). I had been to camp (Frontier Ranch in Misiion Springs. It's a Covenant camp) for the past few years and was signed up to go again. The only other person I knew going that week was my friend Jason but since he was a dude we would not see each other often. I had decided after camp (which I had previously enjoyed but now did not want to go yet my parents were making me) I would finally finish what I had started and kill myself.

Arriving at camp, I knew no one and got put in a cabin with a bunch of snobish incoming freshman who were way too good for me. I was made fun of and ostricised right off the bat. I was miserable and would silently cry myself to sleep. My counselor's name was Birdie. A few days in she told us her testimony- she was in a bad relationship in high school where she refused to sleep with the guy so he told everyone she was a whore and before long she was. Spent her high school career sleeping with anyone and everyone only to be found by God and totally change her life around. At the time she was dating another counselor named Redwood (a tall, stocky redhead. I was instantly endeared to him.). His brother Duke was a counselor too. We weren't really supposed to know she was dating another counselor but I'm glad she told us. Kinda a good sign for her life.

That impacted me a lot at the time. If anyone knew hardship, it was Birdie. A few days later, she sat me down one on one. I don't remember everything she said, but she told me that I was beautiful and worthwhile. One thing she said has stuck- she told me as I walked down the hill into camp, she saw me and thought "oh look at that beautiful girl! I hope she's in my cabin!" and she was so glad when I was. I was shocked. Here's this beautiful woman with a sordid past thinking that I was worth getting to know. That night was the night where the story and life of Jesus is shared and there is an altar call to know Him or rededicate your life. I have no idea who the speaker was. I have no idea what he said. All I know is that is when God found me and took me and never let me go.

 We had the option to go talk to someone or go to our cabins or go sit somewhere and think. I went out onto the big field they had and I just sat down. I can remember the exact spot. I just cried and cried. First, it was sadness and my utter unworthiness to be loved by the God who created all things. Then the Holy Spirit flooded my with a peace that really did surpass all understanding and I knew the Lord. Then, in a moment, I was ok. I was no longer hurting. I went back to my cabin that night and slept. No tears. I prayed for the girls in my cabin. From that moment on, my life was radically different. I spent the next 6 years battling depression off and on. It's a struggle that is all but conquered now. Praise the Lord for that!

I am a case where I know that the Lord found me. I did not seek Him out. I did not even choose Him. He chose me. I can see now HIs hand in my life over the years. How He has led me and guided me even when I didn't want to be guided. So here I sit, my three wonderful,  beautiful boys asleep in their beds. My loving husband working and yearning to be home with me just as much as I yearn for him. A house, food, clothing. Thank you, Lord, for finding me and choosing me and loving me. It's more than I deserve.

My Back

I think it takes throwing out your back to appreciate it. I have really taken advantage of mine. Q isms gffffbdgdccbv. That was from my dear oldest son. Here he comes again. Ln nbc multo very Mong l hElEn nb chm drum mnb come .

Anyway, I keep thinking about all the people who never get the opportunities I have on a regular basis. Carrying my kids up and down the stairs. Laying them into bed. Lifting them to reach something. Walking. My current half-invalid status really makes me appreciate what I normally have and will have again. Praise God for blessing me with mobility. And praise Him for this lack of it- I understand what a blessing it is.

Fathers

It's Father's Day today. Gabe has it off, which is nice. There are lots of articles in the paper or on the news about fathers today. I think one thing I've noticed most kids mention is the importance of time spent together. For some people, they took every little bit they could. For me, baseball games on the radio while my dad did yard work or fixed the car will always take me back. Or going to Home Depot and walking down the wood asile, inhaling the freshly cut lumber. I loved going anywhere with my dad-even his office. 

I am thankful my dad tried to spend time with us. And I'm thankful for how all Gabe wants to do is spend time with his kids. He's a great dad and they already benefit from that

Opportunities

I just finished reading "The Help". It was really good and I would recommend it. I hadn't seen the movie so it was all new to me. Titus saw me reading it and asked what it was about. This led to a conversation about how back in the day people didn't get along because of the color of their skin. He didn't understand. There are a lot of things about our liberal society I do not like. What I do like is the lack of racial prejudice. I'm thankful also for the opportunity to talk about how things used to be so we can learn from those mistakes and move on.